The Great Leafy Vegetable Conspiracy

It’s taken a long time for me to tolerate lettuce. In high school, I started getting lettuce added to my Blimpie sub before football games. I knew I needed to start developing a taste for healthy foods and mixing it with grilled chicken, melted pepper jack cheese, and Italian dressing seemed like a good place to start.

Now that I’m in my late-20s, I can eat lettuce without gagging. Sometimes I even enjoy it. Progress! But last night at supper, Kassie pulled a cruel bait-and-switch.

“We’re having soup and salad for supper,” she said.

“Okay, cool,” I replied.

But was this salad constructed from a nice, cold, crispy white-and-green head of Iceburg? By no means! The salad on the table was made of a terrible tasting green leaf called spinach.

“It’s much healthier than lettuce,” she told me. “Lettuce doesn’t really do much good for you. It’s just not bad.”

My entire life has been a lie. I’ve drizzled my salads in Italian dressing. I’ve overcome the gag-inducing texture of Romaine lettuce with bacon, salt, pepper, and shredded cheese. “It’s for a good cause,” I told myself, “adults need to be able to eat a salad. You might be fat one day and need to diet.”

All this work and now I’m told that lettuce sits the bench for the JV Vegetable team? If I’m not feasting on kale or spinach, I’m wasting my time?!

Kids, take it from me: A small amount of lettuce or cabbage can have it’s place. Those places are limited to: egg rolls, spring rolls, spicy chicken wraps, spicy chicken sandwiches, and Cajun jumbolia.  The rest is a waste of your time and calories.


About Brian Phillips

Brian lives in Spain with Kassie and their kids.
This entry was posted in Food & Drink, Humor. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to The Great Leafy Vegetable Conspiracy

  1. Eddie says:

    It’s kind of hard for it to be a waste of calories, since it basically has none …

  2. Exactly! That’s how big of a waste it is.

  3. Rebecca Angle says:

    hahahaha that’s ridiculous!

    It’s a scary privilege to be able to look into the mind of the oversized big kid known as Brian Phillips.

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